OP, you’re a good dad and husband. Keep trying and stay strong. I don’t know if I could do what you are doing, and I don’t have any advice to give, but just know I’m rooting for you over here. Nothing stays the same forever - one thing I do hear from people is that you blink and the kid is grown and you wonder where all the time went. I can’t say for sure if that will happen, but this lifestyle change is temporary, at the very least, and you’ll be feeling more normal as time goes on. Maybe once your son is more grown, there will be an opportunity to bond with him on a level you can’t reach while he’s an infant? Anyway, good luck!

Hey!

I saw your post on my mobile yesterday and it struck a chord. I saved the link so I could go home and type on my laptop and give my reply the time it deserves. I know I’m replying quite late, but I hope my perspective helps anyway.

First off, everything you’re feeling is understandable. I don’t know if I’d say it’s “normal”, but I empathize with everything you’ve written. I have a 2-year old daughter, and it’s not been easy. But my most important takeaway from your post is that you’re trying. You’re doing everything you can to support your wife and kid, and that alone puts you in the “good dad” category.

Look, it’s not going to be easy. Your 3-week old is essentially a lump in human form. All he knows to do at the moment is drink, sleep, and poop/pee. He doesn’t recognize you, he doesn’t love you, he doesn’t reciprocate anything you do, and he doesn’t acknowledge you except when you’re feeing him. He can barely even see you (kids that age have eyes that haven’t learnt to focus yet). And that’s how it’s going to be for the foreseeable future. Having a kid this age is mostly a chore (or a job, like you described). Try to think of it as an investment for the future. All the hard work you’re doing now pays off in the future when you have a healthy, happy child who loves you and knows how to show it.

But for now, it’s going to suck. Your wife is probably going to go through post-partum depression, she’s going to have mental crises about being a terrible mother about something or the other. I don’t know if it’s because of hormone imbalance, stress, lack of sleep, and/or a combination of all these. You’re the one who’s going to have to be there for her at those times. Your baby will (hopefully not) develop colic, or there will come a day when he cries for no reason and nothing you do will stop him and you’ll start thinking about taking him to the doctor/ER and in your desperation, you’ll hold him in a new hold and he’ll suddenly quieten down because he loves being held like that. Some days are going to be a rollercoaster of activity, frustration, joy, etc.

And as for love … in the last 2 years, there hasn’t been a single moment that’s hit me like “I NOW LOVE MY KID AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HER.” I mean, I would die/kill for her, but that’s just family.

BUT – there have been moments. Like one time she half-woke from a nap, saw my face, broke into a smile, and went back to sleep. One other time when she was very young and she ran into my arms. One time she absolutely insisted that only dad would help her put her shoes on and not mom. These are small wins that build. The more interactive they get, the more your relationship with them grows, the more in love you’ll be. It’ll take time. I’m not there yet, even with my 2-year-old, but I know I’ll get there. I know I love her, even if I don’t “feel” it yet.

In the meantime, sorry … tough it out.

The only other advice I can give you is to ask for help. If your mom or some other family member can come help you and your wife out, it gets a little easier. Even if it’s only for a weekend or a week at a time. Just having someone else at home who can change a diaper, or even just watch the kid while you take a nap or play a videogame for some time, will help.

All the best, you got this, don’t sell yourself short.

EDITED TO ADD:

Newborns fall asleep very quickly, even in the middle of a feeding session. We used to tickle the bottom of our baby’s feet to keep her awake during feeding times, both at the breast and with the bottle.

Also, try to find someone you can talk to about the stress you’re feeling (if you can’t do it with your wife). Your mom or a best friend, or just internet strangers. Hopefully it’ll help you through the toughest times.

my dude! It’s just been 3 weeks! You easily have another 6 months or more of bad sleep. But seriously, did you have mental problems before the kid because it sounds you have some problems.

Also, for real, your wife is doing all the really heavy lifting here. She just had a kid. Her body is still a trauma zone! She possibly has post partum which is a very serious condition.

Chill. It gets much better after the first 9 months to a year. Once they start sleeping all night and stop nursing.

Step up. Get your sh1t together and push through the next year. Stop being a selfish spoil ass facker

I didn’t feel that bad, but certainly when my kid could talk and understand things got a lot nicer. You could understand specifically what the kid wants and the kid can learn some patience and half more fun in a way that’s vaguely fun for the parents too.

You might want to talk to a mental health professional as well, but I’d not be too worried about not enjoying being around a 3 week old.

Oh also, at least for me, from about 2 years old all the effort was well worth it. Happiest times of my life. Cherish the time before they start asserting independence as a teenager. Still good times for me, but certainly different …

Not necessarily at 3 weeks, it is so intensely stressful at the start. Crying is designed to make you feel upset, that is what it evolved for, so that you would check on the baby.

I did feel love for the newborns, but they aren’t fun or anything, they are just babies. You were the same at the start of your life.

Can your wife visit a lactation consultant? I remember my kids falling asleep nursing, is that not normal? They nurse, fall asleep, wake up and are happy for awhile, then cry, nurse, and fall asleep, that’s the whole newborn cycle. I don’t think that means they aren’t getting enough, of the baby was that hungry he’d stay awake long enough to eat enough and remember, the milk in the first few moments has the most fat & calories.

Basically - I would not trust your feelings right now, while sleep deprived and stressed. You may enjoy the baby when it is more enjoyable. Like 2-3 years old is blistering cute, and then they are learning so much you can see it happening, and teenagers are fun and keep you aware of pop culture.

I don’t remember my mom being, well, mom-ish, not very nice when we were little, we weren’t neglected at all she was just never close with us. I asked her about it when I was grown and she said “I don’t like kids.” And I was like “WTF, you had so many kids!” And she said “Well, I like you all now, I knew you’d grow up, you don’t have kids to have kids but to raise people.”. And I guess she has a point. It’s nicer to enjoy the ride, I did, but she didn’t and we were ok.

From what I read your wife suffers from depression, correct? From what I read between the lines, she already did before she got pregnant, correct?

And considering how experienced you seem with taking over and keeping everything together, that’s probably what you have been doing for years already?

That’s quite a common pattern, and it’s one that can only remain stable for a certain amount of time. She’s depending a lot on you, you pick up the slack and carry her burden. That works well without kids when the only responsibilities are to spend enough time at work, but it becomes very troublesome with a small kid, where the workload is too much even for two fully-functioning adults.

This can drive you in a kind of caregiver burnout. You go beyond your limits for too long, and after some time you just don’t have the power to continue that way and smile through it. Depression spreads and good things diminish. That’s at least what I read between your lines.

This is the point where you need to get help. Find a better distribution of work with your wife. Rope in relatives (your mom seems to be invested) and get them to help you out, especially in these crucial first few months.

Pumping milk means that the baby isn’t necessarily tethered to your wife, so you can also get your mom to watch the kid for an evening or so, so that you two can get some rest.

Considering getting therapy yourself.

Try to recover before you burn out completely.

As for the feelings towards your child, don’t force it, give it time.

New father here as well. Let me start by saying, please ignore any negative comments, they are shitty or non-parents. I see some terrible responses here.

Here’s what I see: a responsible kickass father is owning up to this huge lifestyle change, giving 110% to his wife and son, doing a perfect job emotionally and physically - service with everything but the smile. A mom going through post-partum depression, which is not only normal, it’s actually abnormal not to. You’re also going through something like “post-partum depression”, which is also not your fault at all and totally normal. Seek help for yourself too, and remember this will all pass. You need support from your wife as well - and sometimes giving support is the greatest way to feel acknowledged, you may be doing her a favor to dump on her (and yes, I know your time to converse is like minutes per day). You’re in the hardest phase and we all feel exactly the same way. It gets so much easier so quickly.

As for the sounds, I’m very, very sensitive to crying so I suggest ear protection like over-ear headset + earplugs or ear pods with white noise playing. Trust me, you don’t need to hear the crying to be a responsive parent. I use physical cues like vibration, facial expressions, physical movement, etc like a deaf parent, and I use and audio monitor too to physically see the sounds. This makes me 1000x more functional and responsive.

As for not feeling the “connection” (yet!), that is textbook post-partum and again, super normal. Your guilt/anger/depression at lacking that connection, feeling lonely and unsupported - these are textbook normal things. Newborn parenting is fucking hard. In pre-history infant mortality was crazy and there was 10 adults per newborn, we’re not meant to do any of this. If you exit this with 30 fingers and toes you’re smashing it. I think in time you’ll be able to enjoy it once you are sleeping, eating, and not completely overwhelmed. It could be years, but you know that. In the mean time, wish you (and I) luck to surviving…

Y’all both got a lot going on, and yes, should have worked on it before kids, but here y’all are.

1. When we had our first kid (12 now), I really struggled with the emotional connection piece for weeks. It’s common. I don’t think I had a strong emotional connection until she was like 2 or something. I had bad anger issues, dealing with my own depression & BS. But, she’s 12 now.
2. With our second, the emotions for her came faster. I was in less stress, more established career wise, but my wife struggled more with postpartum. She never struggled with depression and finally found herself going through feelings of inadequacy & feeling like a failure. She got on meds, made a big difference, and it eventually worked out with her getting off of them.
3. Our third kid was significantly easier for both of us. We had different struggles, but it wasn’t kid related.

I know where you are mentally. You need to find a healthy outlet for the resentment and then come back to what you have now, someone dependent on you.

You can/could be a deadbeat or absent, but you may be a better parent for a different age. My wife was great with little ones (0-2). I did much better with toddlers and young kids (3-8). We’re both getting used to tweens.

I know it might be a financial strain, but you should both seek therapy. This isn’t a pejorative (as is “You’re so messed up!”), but therapy can help significantly, especially your partner. She may want to consider a psych.

Good luck. For me, the first few weeks were the worst. No sleep, just doing shit on auto-pilot like “why the f*ck did we do this…?” But my kids have brought incredible joy in my life. I wouldn’t want them to disappear now, no matter how much work it is some days.

I feel like things get much better once your kid is potty trained. At that point you no longer have to deal with poop and your kid is old enough to be more fun/human.

I feel bad about saying this, and this is more for other people, but don’t let other people’s expectations push you into having kids. If your partner wanted five kids and you didn’t even know if you wanted one, you were incompatible and you should have ended things once you discussed this like responsible adults. Instead you brought someone else into the world who may suffer just so you could try it out.

I’m not saying this to say you’re a bad person. Honestly, this wouldn’t happen to a bad person probably. You’re a good person who let expectations push you into a position you didn’t belong.

As others say, you may end up bonding with them later, and that will be great. They won’t be a baby forever, and also you’re really tired and probably grumpy right now. That’s all fair. I hope for your kid that things work out, but for anyone else reading this, if you don’t agree on children with your partner, it’s time to find someone else. That’s a fundamental thing that needs to be the same. It’s like if you want to be monogamous but your partner doesn’t. That’s just not going to work. There are some things that you just need to share or break up. It doesn’t make you bad for doing so. Also, yes, it’ll hurt and suck, but it’s the responsible thing to do.

Dad of a toddler with another on the way (mostly mentioning it because my experience with a newborn is relatively recent in memory). A lot to unpack here. First of all, breathe. It’ll be okay.

While it certainly sounds like having a kid wasn’t what you wanted and it probably wasn’t the right decision, it’s the one you made, so the focus now should be on how best to help you, your wife, and your child.

The good news is the absolute hardest part of raising a kid, especially your first, is the newborn stage. It gets a little bit easier with every week that passes. Sleep deprivation is a bitch and frankly, I wouldn’t put too much stock in your emotions because in all likelihood, they are probably pretty out of wack right now. I remember inexplicably sobbing at 3 in the morning (while trying to get my son back to sleep) because I was so tired. It made no sense, but I was just exhausted.

As for the crying, it may not help you, but I find it helpful to recognize a baby crying for what it actually is: a communication tool. In fact, it’s the one of the only communication tools a newborn has. When they cry, they are doing their job and telling you they have a need that needs to be met. So instead of getting irritated when they cry, you basically just run through a checklist of possible things they need, and try them out until you figure out what it is they needed. Fortunately the list of things they need at this stage are pretty simple: it’s almost always food, sleep, or possibly a diaper (my son did not care one bit about dirty diapers though, heh). Sometimes it also might be something else like overstimulation. But it’s never really inexplicable and you can learn their specific cues to more quickly narrow down what they need. You can also often prevent crying by paying attention to their non-verbal communication before they start crying: e.g, a baby will do things like rooting or sticking out their tongue when they are hungry well before they start crying for food, or get pinkness around their eyes when they are tired.

You absolutely should first and foremost try to get whatever help you can get from family and friends, if you can. It helps immensely to have a support system to lean on, even if it’s something as simple as helping with cleaning or just giving you guys a break (especially important to make time for each other, too).

As for bonding, this is going to sound a bit odd, but it’s really worth trying. Something they teach you in childbirth classes is that spending extended amounts of time doing skin to skin contact with your baby (so shirt off for you, diaper only for the baby) is really valuable for bonding (even for dads), and from personal experience I can say this is true. I did it a number of times in my son’s first few weeks and it definitely made a difference. It’s basically a chemical effect on you and your baby’s brain chemistry and it is pretty powerful. It’s also the same for mothers and babies and it’s why hospitals will have mother and baby do immediate skin contact as soon as they are born. I think it really helps you appreciate what it is that you have now.

The other thing is that your relationship with your kid is something that grows with time, especially as they get older and more interactive. It takes a few months for them to start smiling and laughing at you, and honestly once they do (and you can make them laugh), it’s a game changer. It’s so much fun, and just gets more fun as they get older.

As for your wife, you may already know this, but she’s likely experiencing post-partum depression. What she’s feeling are real feelings, but likely not based on anything rational. Human brains are just weird little things. Massive hormonal changes really fucks with brain chemistry and makes a lot of new moms have really uncharacteristic mood and behavior. Her system has been flooded with all sorts of shit for the last 9 months and giving birth is where it all comes crashing down. It’s not uncommon to prescribe anti-depressants temporarily to help new moms until things start to balance out again. Also, she should really get off TikTok/Instagram. That shit is toxic as fuck and WILL make you unhappy.

And, if it helps: there’s so much garbage information out there for new parents and it’s really fucking hard to figure out what’s good advice or not. Here’s the real deal about breastfeeding: it is by no means a requirement. Not even close. Yes, it has some benefits if you can do it, and it’s worth trying. But it is massively, and I mean MASSIVELY overblown on the internet. Pumping is perfectly fine, and many mothers do it exclusively (my sister-in-law mostly did, in fact). Formula is also perfectly fine. And a baby falling asleep while eating is REALLY FUCKING NORMAL, especially after they are just born! That being said, it can be helpful to try to start a pattern of offering food as soon as they wake up, if you aren’t already, since they’ll be most alert then and more likely to get more milk that way.

Part of being a new parent is learning to tune all that stupid shit out and make decisions for your baby based solely on what your pediatrician says and your own judgement. Even your own parents’ advice should be taken with a huge grain of salt, both because their experience is very out of date (AAP recommendations have changed a lot over the years) and they can’t remember what it was actually like very well. It’s something I wish I could go back and tell our past selves.

And props to her on the milk supply, that’s no easy feat. Guard it well and try not to waste any of it, because overproduction is typically only temporary until her body adjusts to your baby’s actual needs. Always try to restock what you use as much as possible. Oh, and keep an eye out for mastitis (clogged milk ducts that get infected). It’s super easy to get in the initial period of overproduction, because the breasts are frequently fuller than the baby actually needs, and prolonged full breasts can clog easily. Mastitis can easily burn through your supply (it can make it so the baby can’t easily get milk, and it takes time to clear up with antibiotics).

Anyway, hang in there. Newborns are the hardest and it does get a lot easier and more fun/rewarding.

I guess the best thing to do would be to publish your experiences to other people. You’re in this now, but you can prevent others from making the same choices if you inform them about what it entails. That will make you feel better because you’re contributing sth to the world. :)

If somebody doesn’t want kids, they should never let anyone talk them into it.

I don’t want kids and I always get weird looks from family and friends but I don’t care.

Situation in the world is terrible and on top of that I know that I wouldn’t be a good parent.

Struggling to find a connection is normal for a first-time dad. As I get bigger and they start taking on attributes you’ll find there a reflection of you and that’s really cool and it’s really rewarding to see your energy that you put into a child bloom and grow.

Dad to dad, you’ll feel the bond when the kid becomes more interactive and rational. Moms can connect that little blob with no problem. It’s tougher for dads, at first. It all balances out though. What you are feeling is normal. Just stick with it and don’t cheat on your wife.