“Come on, just try to imagine Joseph’s reaction when Maria suddenly walks to him, pregnant, and goes “God impregnated me”, what would he think? “Damn, this bitch’s cheating on me!”!”
- My dad at a family barbecue, making everyone laugh.
And after the child birth, a group of three mysterious men show up!
This is more coherent than the actual bible story.
In those days, the predecessors that would become Christianity hadn’t invented the abstinence rules yet.
Fucking puritan imperialism
My favourite is the idea that mary was hooking up with the wise men and either kept it secret or was clueless about reproduction and they were tricking her and the wise men came bearing gifts because each thought they were the father
Like a reverse Mama Mia! situation.
Maybe they were wise for not bringing it up until they’d seen the baby.
bible says jesus was ugly as ugly babies get.
I have a fun head-canon that combines Christian mythology with that of ancient Rome and/or Greece. It all starts with Jesus’s animal metaphors. Jesus is a lamb of God. Jesus is a dove of peace. Jesus is represented with a drawing of a fish.
So it seems that Jesus has interesting shapeshifting powers. Sounds reminiscent of another deity, doesn’t it? Zeus famously transformed into animals in order to seduce women. He also had a jealous wife, Hera, who frequently punished his extra-marital partners.
My thinking goes that Zeus seduced Mary once upon a time. However, knowing his wife’s wrath, he never disclosed it, and advised Mary to say she was a virgin in order to throw her off Hera’s radar.
Thus, Jesus the shape-shifting son of God was born. In a manger, of all places. Perhaps Zeus was there to support Mary in the form of a sheep or something.
animorph jesus ?
Jezeus
This sounds just as believable as the bible, with it’s magical sky daddy…
oh gods…
Side-note, FYI (For those on about Christ throughout this thread), consider:
Christ means the anointed one.
Anointed with the holy oil.
The holy oil made with large quantities of “Kaneh Bosm”.
Kaneh Bosm correctly translated, fitting the description and effects, is Cannabis.
So, the return of Christ, is the restoration of Cannabis.
“All of these things I have done, you shall do too, and more.”
(See Sula Bennet, and Chris Bennett’s work on this for more info.)
A long-haired, sandal-wearing man preaching peace and love, who probably smelled like cannabis?
Jesus was a hippie, it’s confirmed.
Also, his name loosely translates to Josh, so he’s Oily Josh.
I am still working on The Ballad of Greasy Josh tyvm
The God she tells you not to worry about.
Plus, I think he’s gay, so really don’t have to worry. He’s harmless.
Isaiah 7:14 calls mary a “Almah” which is a unmarried but ready to marry woman; and the implication is virgin, which is why it was used for virgin too.
Virgin Mary is almost certainly a mistranslation.
The point was that jesus was the child of a unmarried couple, which was seen as bad, and yet jesus is fucking jesus.
Isaiah is Old Testament, it doesn’t refer to anything Jesus-related (unless you’re Christian and really love bending the text to your will).
Yes and if you continue reading, and listen to Christians, you will see that it is most likely the source of Matthew 1:23. Which was written in greek and used “parthenos”, which seems to mean the same thing like almah.
Isaiah 7:14 calls mary a “Almah”
Isaiah didn’t talk about Mary or Jesus but talked about his own time. Messiah is this context meant savior in the political sense. It’s not a prophecy for the distant future, only in the Septuagint much later. But don’t take it from me, take it from Dan McClellan.
Frankly, I am not a scholar but a willing listener. So Dan probably knows better than me.
But what i don’t understand about his point is the claim of mistranslation by using parthenos.
parthenos does seem to mean the same thing as almah
https://www.billmounce.com/greek-dictionary/parthenos
https://biblehub.com/greek/3933.htm
I am very willing to accept that isaiah 7:14 wasn’t talking about jesus, but like Dan says later authors do mean mary when talking about parthenos. So my point does seem to stand.
But let’s say Dan is 100% correct, then almah got mistranslated and applied to Mary to fulfill the misunderstood prophecy and then my point is still kinda right that almah got mistranslated by Christians to made Mary a virgin.
In short, I think my point kinda stands either way, while I might picked a bad verse to make my case and my argument and understanding was slightly misguided.
I was reacting to the “Isaiah talks about Mary” part of your argument. I’m not a scholar either and I linked a very short video but in other contexts, Dan elaborates that the Greek has been used for a raped woman who therefore isn’t a virgin anymore but the main meaning is virgin.
I’m not sure what your point was. I neither up nor downvoted your comment. But since the whole birth story is fabricated by arguably Christians, it either was by applying the mistranslation of Isaiah or, if the intended audience of the gospels understood it to mean “young woman”, it was an even later invention. If your point is that Jesus wasn’t the son of a virgin and never claimed to be, than sure.
Die for my sins harder, daddy.
Personally I prefer Christ on a cock. Which because I have had my mind poisoned by the French invokes the image of Jesus riding a giant rooster.
That’s how i always meant it, when i said this.
I hardly think this was necessary.
I think it nailed his point to a t
No you don’t understand it had to be done
German uses the word Jungfrau (literally young woman), there’s no separate word explicitely defining a state of not having had sex.
I’m guessing Almah is similar.
But I heard a different story about the “virgin birth” - problem is I have no idea if it’s true or not. Anyhow:
There was some sort of ritual where young women were invited to spend a night at the temple, with priests. Due to the religious nature of this, they were still considered to be virgins (“marriable” I guess?) afterwards. Quite the opposite, it was seen as an honour. Even if they got pregnant.
So there’s your “Virgin” Mary who was “visited by an angel” to conceive.
From what I found, Mary supposedly lived at the temple from childhood as a consecrated virgin.
So apparently she was groomed by the priests?
Didn’t Jesus have brothers and sisters? https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brothers_of_Jesus
Jesus was the first born. Even if Mary was a virgin when he was born, this isn’t necessarily the case for his younger siblings
The name’s Christ, James Christ.
From now on I’ll exclaim “JOSES CHRIST!” Instead because I don’t want his brothers to feel different…
Well, Jermaine and Janet Christ both had decent solo careers after the death of Jesus
Hoe say Christ.
At what point did the mistranslation occur? There have been many translations.
It was between the anime and the first OVA, the original manga used the previous sentence.
In the Septuagint, so still in the Jewish context. For more details watch this short video.
Oh ot all makes sense now!
/s
It makes sense that mary literally just had premarital sex and got pregnant.
It is insane that Christians get it wrong.
My bet is it’s to weed out dissidents, question the obvious fake bullshit and we can cut your head off before you become an opposition leader or something. They did burn and torture so many people because of this.
It’s weirder than that…
If I recall correctly, I heard … Joseph was something like 80, and Mary was something like 12.
That does not get said a lot.
Is fun to dig into the apocryphal sources on that to check for plausibility.
His expression is the exact moment you realize you’re in a story you didn’t consent to.
No one’s going to believe this story rn, and certainly not for over 2,000 years.
One of those times you’re glad to just be a random nobody in the middle of nowhere, so you know your humiliation will soon just be forgotten.
Realisic now sisz n brovz.
Mary: Bronze age dude raped me hard, ye bronze age sperm squirting in me as fuc. As. Fuc.
Mary(thought): My lot be stoning. GOOD thing me Yosupph be a dumb man.
Mary: Husband. The ghost squirted the sperm in me. Son of God. Nothe seccks. I’m also without sin, ask Annæ.
Dumbest story makes world.
I had a stroke reading this.
I’m pretty sure I lost IQ points by the time I parsed it all.
The shit some people goon to…
Smh my head
Even dumber in that it’s conjured by others after the fact.
… Whatever that fact is.
Considering the many popularly held mistranslations, and the efforts to correctly translate… like elohim, basically meaning aliens, not monotheistic cosmic creator god…
The fact may be… aliens impregnated her.
Truth stranger than fiction?
Depends what strangeness has grown normal to us.
