NEW TP POOL REGULATIONS

I’ve been asked to distribute the new regulations regarding office pool displays. The enclosed memo is a new subchapter of the EBGOC Procedure Manual, replacing the old subchapter entitled PHYSICAL PLANT/CALIFORNIA/ LOS ANGELES/BUILDINGS/OFFICE AREAS/PHYSICAL LAYOUT REGULATIONS/EMPLOYEE INPUT/ GROUP ACTIVITIES.

The old subchapter was a flat prohibition on the use of office space or time for “pool” activities of any kind, whether permanent (e.g., coffee pool) or one-time (e.g., birthday parties).

This prohibition still applies, but a single, one-time exception has now been made for any office that wishes to pursue a joint bathroom-tissue strategy.

By way of introduction, let me just make a few general comments on this subject. The problem of distributing bathroom tissue to workers presents inherent challenges for any office management system due to the inherent unpredictability of usage-not every facility usage transaction necessitates the use of bathroom tissue, and when it is used, the amount needed (number of squares) may vary quite widely from person to person and, for a given person, from one transaction to the next. This does not even take into account the occasional use of bathroom tissue for unpredictable/creative purposes such as applying/removing cosmetics, beverage-spill management, etc. For this reason, rather than trying to package bathroom tissue in small one-transaction packets (as is done with premoistened towelettes, for example), which can be wasteful in some cases and limiting in other cases, it has been traditional to package this product in bulk distribution units whose size exceeds the maximum amount of squares that an individual could conceivably use in a single transaction (barring force majeure). This reduces to a minimum the number of transactions in which the distribution unit is depleted (the roll runs out) during the transaction, a situation that can lead to emotional stress for the affected employee.

However, it does present the manager with some challenges in that the distribution unit is rather bulky and must be repeatedly used by a number of different individuals if it is not to be wasted.

Since the implementation of Phase XVII of the Austerity Program, employees have been allowed to bring their own bathroom tissue from home. This approach is somewhat bulky and redundant, as every worker usually brings their own roll.

Some offices have attempted to meet this challenge by instituting bathroom-tissue pools. Without overgeneralizing, it may be stated that an inherent and irreducible feature of any bathroom-tissue pool implemented at the office level, in an environment (i.e., building) in which comfort stations are distributed on a per-floor basis (i.e., in which several offices share a single facility) is that provision must be made within the confines of the individual office for temporary stationing of bathroom tissue distribution units (i.e., rolls). This follows from the fact that if the BTDUs (rolls) are stationed, while inactive, outside of the purview of the controlling office (i.e., the office that has collectively purchased the BTDU)-that is, if the BTDUS are stored, for example, in a lobby area or within the facility in which they are actually utilized, they will be subject to pilferage and “shrinkage” as unauthorized persons consume them, either as part of a conscious effort to pilfer or out of an honest misunderstanding, i.e., a belief that the BTDUs are being provided free of charge by the operating agency (in this case the United States Government), or as the result of necessity, as in the case of a beverage spill that is encroaching on sensitive electronic equipment and whose management will thus brook no delay. This fact has led certain offices (which shall go unnamed-you know who you are, guys) to establish makeshift BTDU depots that also serve as pool-contribution collection points. Usually, these depots take the form of a table, near the door closest to the facility, on which the BTDUs are stacked or otherwise deployed, with a bowl or some other receptacle in which participants may place their contributions, and typically with a sign or other attention-getting device (such as a stuffed animal or cartoon) requesting donations. A quick glance at the current regulations will show that placement of such a display/depot violates the procedure manual. However, in the interests of employee hygiene, morale, and group spirit-building, my higher-ups have agreed to make a one-time exception in the regulations for this purpose.

As with any part of the procedure manual, new or old, it is your responsibility to be thoroughly familiar with this material. Estimated reading time for this document is 15.62 minutes (and don’t think we won’t check). Please make note of the major points made in this document, as follows:

BTDU depot/displays are now allowed, on a trial basis, with the new policy to be reviewed in six months. These must be operated on a voluntary, pool-type basis, as described in the subchapter on employee pools. (Note: This means keeping books and tallying all financial transactions.) BTDUS must be brought in by the employees (not shipped through the mailroom) and are subject to all the usual search-and-seizure regulations. Scented BTDUs are prohibited as they may cause allergic reactions, wheezing, etc. in some persons. Cash poool donations, as with all monetary transactions within the U.S. Government, must use official U.S. currency-no yen or Kongbucks.

Naturally, this will lead to a bulk problem if people try to use the donation bucket as a dumping ground for bundles of old billion and trillion dollar bills. The Buildings and Grounds people are worried about waste-disposal problems and the potential fire hazard that may ensue if large piles of billions and trillions begin to mount up. Therefore, a key feature of the new regulation is that the donation bucket must be emptied every day-more often if an excessive build-up situation is seen to develop.

In this vein, the B & C people would also like me to point out that many of you who have excess U.S. currency to get rid of have been trying to kill two birds with one stone by using old billions as bathroom tissue. While creative, this approach has two drawbacks:

1. It clogs the plumbing, and
2. It constitutes defacement of U.S. currency, which is a federal crime.

DON’T DO IT. Join your office bathroom-tissue pool instead. It’s easy, it’s hygienic, and it’s legal.

Happy pooling, Marietta.

– Neil Stephenson Snow Crash

Sounds like a recipe for a yeast infection to me. I’ll stick to tortillas.

Sudo not even needed unless you were running vim as root

No. He’s been real clear about that. Neither will Trump.

Short of armed insurrection, US subjects have no control on this one. The ones that are arming for insurrection also support the genocide. FML

Lost your listener’s license, did you?

It’s the only one that’s actually UNIX.

Uh, no. I mean, yes it’s actually Unix, but so is BSD. In fact, OSX is only Unix BECAUSE BSD is - Darwin is BSD derived

Not a great example. All recent reporting was that the hospital you’re talking about was hit by a Hezbollah rocket, not Hamas. Not surprising that Hamas would assume, after concluding it wasn’t them, that it was the IDF, and it not be an outright lie.

42" 1080p TV. Again, probably not the best for gaming, but I don’t really game heavily. And for work - complete game changer.

True enough for database or dictionary storage, but a lot of times things get implemented in arrays where you still wind up with two copies of the same uint32.

deleted by creator

And dupe check. 0.0.0.0 and 000.000.000.000 may both be valid, but they resolve the same

Better hope the goon hasn’t heard of IPv6 either, or you’re toast

The Palestinian workweek actually does start on Saturday.

kwin supports a tiling mode which it sounds like they’re already using, so … yes?

Look for bulbs with metal fins where the white plastic is in your image. They’re there as a heat sink so the heat disperses into the air rather than building up inside.

The genie is now free to curse you and others without bothering with the wishing part - and does. Constantly.

None of your intentions that benefit you alone (playing a video game, satisfying a food craving) come to fruition anymore. Your other intentions that benefit at least one other person cause maximum harm to others as well. You basically just wished yourself an unending variation of “the monkey’s paw”

Congratulations - you just reinvented red-state USA

Every single one of those things is also true in the US. After factoring cost, Canada still wins.

It wasn’t meaningless, and I went out of my way to make clear the sample size wasn’t statistically significant.

The point was that the parent comment implied there was no reason to start eating meat again after making a moral choice not to. My anecdote shows that some people do anyway, therefore there must be a reason.

That in my experience they tended to be the people who relied on meat substitutes was presented as an observation of interest, not as hard evidence of universal truth.