When i first heard the news, it felt surreal. But when that passed, i felt nothing.

I don’t really know what to do or feel. I saw her only a few days ago, and that was the first time i have saw her in years. She barely talked, she had alzheimers. She didn’t remember anyone. I remember as a child, seeing her handicapped but still able to have conversation and conscious.

I only have a few memories of her. It’s so vague, since those were when i was 6 or something. The only clear memory is of her yelling at me as a child. Or maybe not her, my memory is unreliable.

Half an hour later, it sunk in. She’s dead. I will never see her again. Just… I don’t know. I’m so confused. I’m a little teary eyed but the rest is just static. What of it? What do i expect to gain from this post? I don’t know. I just wanted to tell someone. I just feel like shit.

  • fxomt@lemmy.dbzer0.comOPMEnglish
    5·
    5 days ago

    Thank you. The realization is hitting me hard right now. It’s 5AM so it makes it even more surreal, this was so unexpected from me.

    I don’t know what tomorrow will really look like, to be honest. I guess everything will go back to normal? I’ll laugh, or smile as if she isn’t dead? Those few days from before are overwhelming now. I saw her years later, just before she died. Her state saddened me. Dementia/alzheimers is cruel.

    I guess i’ll be staying off of lemmy for now? Rest assured, i will recover. But these few days are blurry for me. Maybe i will, maybe i will not. I guess we’ll see.

    Again, thank you. This all means a lot to me.

    • The Octonaut@mander.xyzEnglish
      3·
      5 days ago

      Hello.

      My nan passed with dementia a few years ago too. I felt for my dad at the time but after visiting her and her not recognising me, not recognising my dad, basically living and suffering for nothing, it was pretty neutral when she did die.

      I didn’t miss the old lady in a chair pointed at a TV that kept her conscious. I missed my nan who’d always sneak us biscuits (cookies) and insisted I was handsome from 0 years old to 30 years old. But she’d been gone a long time. I think my dad had hope she’d snap out of it. My hope is that I never see him like that. And that me losing things is my ADHD, not a precursor.