“If I had a dash cam, I could demonstrate the dozens of obviously distracted teens I’ve run down while recklessly driving through school zones. If these kids looked up every once in a while, they’d make it home for spring break.”

It’s actually kind of the opposite! Americans are so used to being held at gunpoint these days they don’t even bat an eye. It happens at the post office, in traffic, day care pickup. Waiters will bring the food to your table guns akimbo at Denny’s! I don’t even reach for the Tetris app anymore, it’s so pedestrian. Hope that clears it up, friend!

Right? It seems like they usually show up when there are naked children around.

CES 2026: Meet a handful of excrement!

I’m going to kick you in the b-a-l-l-s.

AI characters do nothing but spew meaningless platitudes and generic advice dressed up as a personality. That’s like considering the horoscope section on a random website to be your sister.

While we’re on the subject, I think that Passenger by Deftones is about Maynard giving Chino road head.

If I was surrounded by violent sexual predators like that, my fight, flight, or freeze would be activated, too.

My wife and I point it out like a drinking game when they show random close-ups of the brand badge on ovens. It’s kind of like they’re cutting to the oven for a reaction shot. They do it at least once a segment on every competition show I’ve watched.

Alphabet, Meta and X need to be wiped from the planet before they take us all with them. Too bad there’s no money in saving the species…

A ‘dirty chandelier’ sounds like something Trump would do with a 13 year old.

The ones where the plastic shield pressing against the box makes the little teeth plunge into the tape are friggin’ orgasmic.

The new meta of dystopian fiction is utopia that we can never have.

Add $75 for each pet if allowed! My buddy was apartment hunting recently and was given a rental agreement that said he would have a deductible on repairs and would have to cover anything over $250. The landlord was just looking to scam and sue someone for repairs he had to do to keep up to code. America’s cooked indeed.

Two days into Amazon’s Earth talks:

Context can certainly change over time. If Rudy Giuliani died in 2002, he’d be remembered as ‘America’s Mayor’.

This band is incredible. They definitely have a unique sound that comes through on every song. They have a new album coming late October, too!

The band Gay for Johnny Depp has a song that ends with the line, “if you’ve never read a newspaper and you want to be all you can be, join the army.”

I have that same urge when my GrubHub order gets switched to another driver.

Release date: September 11, 2001. I can’t remember if anything else happened that day…