I reached the point in my chronic depression that I finally needed to do something about it almost a year ago. From what you’ve written it sounds similar to how I was feeling. I don’t know if you’ve tried therapy or antidepressants or anything, but I can tell you that I felt incredibly stupid for not trying them sooner and just living in misery for years.
I was lucky and Zoloft worked for me. I just stopped constantly hating myself and feeling like I was just waiting to die. I’m starting to end using it now, but I found it incredibly helpful to get a sort of “break” from the way I was feeling. It was like I was able to get my head above water and breathe again; I had been drowning in my depression for so long.
Just using my experience to say I hope you try some things and are able to find success with them. I thought I wouldn’t get anything out of therapy and was skeptical about trying medications, but it happened to help me and I felt silly for waiting as long as I did to try something.
That’s illegal! Only us big brain Arch users are allowed to say BTW! /s
In all seriousness, I’m just glad Linux is in such a good place nowadays and I was able to switch to it full time for the past few years. Much easier to get into than my first attempt in college a over decade ago.