One of my abusers has aggressive parents who are very strict and wake them up at 4 a.m. every day, and neither of them have very many friends nor boyfriends which they desperately want and are lonely. Should I feel bad despite how they treated me?
Honestly living well and not thinking about them at all is the best revenge you can enjoy. Just put them out of your mind and focus on other people. Worrying about them doesn’t do you any good, even if they aren’t doing well.
You don’t have to feel bad for people who’ve wronged you. I’d say your only obligation is to uphold your values so you won’t regret your behaviour later on.
Never be coerced into caring about someone who doesn’t care about you.
Do not hold on to hate. Don’t pay an emotional price on people who don’t care about you
Do not feel guilt about other people suffering the consequences of their own actions. Don’t pay an emotional price on people who don’t care about you
Have empathy for the injustices others face. It helps you let go of hate
You are responsible for how you respond to your environment. They are responsible for themselves. They chose to respond to abuse by abusing others. You can perpetuate that cycle or stop it. Treat them the way you wish to be treated. Do so knowing they owe you a social debt for their abuse, and do not put yourself at risk while treating them with fairness
Do these things and you will be at peace with yourself and others.
Have empathy for the injustices others face. It helps you let go of hate
This is a big one, though I have a more nuanced view.
“That is a fucked up thing and shouldn’t happen to anyone. I couldn’t give two shits about that person in particular because they’re a piece of shit, but what is happening to them is unacceptable.”
That’s how I feel about bad shit happening to horrible people in prison. A serial rapist gets raped in prison? Unacceptable. It shouldn’t be allowed, and everyone responsible should be held to account. However, I lack the necessary empathy to feel for that serial rapist. I try, but there’s a lot of people out there suffering more who did nothing or less that I should care about, and I have a limited amount of care. Doesn’t mean I’m okay woth prison rape, though.
Hate will destroy your soul. It will creep in, feeling good, like drugs. Hate makes you feel righteous, vindicated—it’s a powerful poison. You will become addicted and it will slowly work it’s way into your mindset until you hate everything and everyone.
Practice empathy.
You never have to feel a particular way. If anyone says you have to feel bad, or that you shouldn’t feel bad if you do, they’re wrong. Not how feelings work. Some people feel better knowing that their abusers are shit because their folks are shit, and it had very little to do with you, other than your convenience as a victim when they wanted to hurt someone. But what you feel just is.
I try to just look at what I’m feeling, and accept it, without judgement. Don’t turn away, but don’t dwell. It makes it easier to decide reasonable action later. Not detached from emotion (impossible) but understanding it as a part and not the entirety of behavior, where right and wrong start to come into play.
No.
It’s good when bad things happen to bad people. It’s better when bad people kick the bucket.
Waiting for the orange turd and the Russian baldhead to kick their buckets.
