Not talking about being with one partner at a time. Talking about the idea of finding “the one” and being with them your whole life.
50% divorce rate. 97% of people (in the US) don’t wait till marriage, so most of us have multiple sexual partners prior to the one we stick with. Many have children with more than one partner.
How can anyone look at the world and think, yeah, there’s one that’s meant for everyone and just one?
Also hope I don’t come across disrespectful. If you do believe in monogamy, I am interested in hearing from you. I’m just buzzed and thinking about my own love life and being curt
Edit: Speaking to the idea that it’s the “natural order” or default. Not that it can’t work in individual circumstances, especially when we’ve been programmed for decades
That’s not monogamy, that’s a delusion.
Monogamy is “one partner at a given time”.
Even then it seems illogical to me tbh (internally inconsistent?), but at least it’s less rigid
How so?
If you date someone in Highschool, and then date someone in college after the highschool relationship ended how are you not monogamous?Oh the definition is fine, I just mean that it seems illogical to adhere to it dogmatically.
Like, ok I’ll try to come up with the best summation but bear with me lol. Basically, let’s say you’re with your current partner. You’ve been into other people in the past. So, logically, you’ll probably be into other people - at some level - in the future, right? That seems like a natural development to me.
So if it’s natural, why should we have the little fine print on all of our relationships that reads “If you’re into other people this contract is null and void?”
Am I making sense? Lol. Like I just mean that it’s natural to be attracted, in some way, to more than one person so why do we default to holding ourselves and our partners to the unnatural? In that way, I’m monogamous with one person at a time seems logically inconsistent to me. It accepts the existence of plurality of attraction, yet denies its engagement
the little fine print on all of our relationships that reads “If you’re into other people this contract is null and void?”
How do you define “being into them”? Looking and finding them attractive, or fucking them without your partner knowing?
Being into them is being attracted to them which, on an instinctual level, is wanting to fuck them
Edit: simplified, obviously, you can be attracted to someone in a more emotional way but some would argue that’s still wanting to mate or partner with them in some way
I think that’s more of an age thing. Im nearly 40 and in a damn near perfect marriage for 15 years now.
We have friends that we absolutely find attractive. Frankly speaking, we all take care of ourselves and it shows.
Im not looking to bang any of them, and my wife isnt either (granted, as she says, but we have a very strong relationship). We’re happy being friends, being comfortable going to the beach, hitting the gym together, etc. We’re all very happy in our monogamous relationships (minus one couple, because he fucked around and is now in the ‘finding out’ stage). Life isnt porn?
It sounds like you’re more grappling with maturity, and maybe a bit of heartbreak.
I’m confused. Are you saying people who are monogamous aren’t allowed to be attracted to other people by your definition? Or are you saying why are people choosing to be monogamous over having multiple partners at the same time?
Being into them is being attracted to them which, on an instinctual level, is wanting to fuck them
So what? As you say, is instinctual. As long as you’re not drooling and you don’t act on it, it’s not a problem. And any person demanding otherwise is toxic and not worthy of your time.
Why are you saying so what? You asked a question and I answered
Oh gotcha! I think a lot of people are too jealous to pull off being poly. It takes a certain mindset to do it in a healthy manner. I guess what my opinion on it is is that there’s nothing bad about it but most people are bad at it.
I think I would struggle with it because I would feel the need to be there in all ways possible for all partners, but I don’t have the social energy to pull that off.
The divorce rate is not 50%. It’s closer to 30%, 40% at worst.
Monogamy isn’t equivalent to lifelong partner.
Aside from which, even a 50% chance at your marriage being one that results in lifelong partnership with someone you care deeply about seems like good odds.
Also, the 50% statistic is from all marriages, not first-time marriages. The figure goes way up due to people being divorced, married, divorced again, ad nauseam. I remember the first-time marriage divorce rate being somewhere in the range of 27-33%.
What is the rationale for not including ALL marriages?
Also out of that 33 I imagine a good chunk is people who were dating a couple months before deciding to get married, or those who got married because of an accidental pregnancy.
If you take first time marriages, where they were dating for over 1 year, and did not conceive a child until after being married, I imagine it’s near 10%, maybe less, but I have no data to back that up.
So I am non-monogamous in that I have several sexual partners at any time, as does my wife (were also swingers), but she is absolutely “the one” and I absolutely believe in the concept of one person for life.
I do honestly believe in true love, a soul’s counterpart in another, it just happens that my personal one is also kind of a slut, too. It’s just another thing we have in common.
Looking at divorce rates as a bad thing is misleading, imo. A high divorce rate isn’t necessarily bad. It’s people escaping bad matches,. It’s people learning and growing. It’s people still chasing that special thing that makes them say “holy shit I’ve found them.”
Worth noting that I think there are many great loves people can have, and I was deeply in love several times before I was with my wife. It isn’t (and wouldn’t have been for me) “settling” to marry one of those great loves. Your One is what you make of it.
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do honestly believe in true love… it just happens that my personal one is also kind of a slut
I’m happy that I read this sentence in my lifetime
Looking at divorce rates as a bad thing is misleading, imo. A high divorce rate isn’t necessarily bad
Oh absolutely. I don’t mean to moralize or demonize the issue. I just mean that, seeing as how as soon as divorce became socially acceptable it shot up to 50%, I’m not sure how people can view it as unnatural, I guess.
Also your story is very sweet and every bit of what I want one day, so thank you for sharing. You have an interesting perspective
Life is just easier when you have a good partner who has your back. Its hard and requires comprising sometimes. Just make sure your comprising on the small things and its great.
The divorce rate is high because of a small percentage of serial monogamists. Most first marriages don’t end in divorce.
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Wait WHAT? Its been outliers this whole time?
Not the greatest website but it summarizes things adequately.
Essentially, (in America)divorce rates steadily climbed until the late 1970s, with a slight dip in the 50s. Starting in the 80s, divorce rates started falling again, and have fallen all the way back down to where they were in 60s. It’s a tricky thing to get a handle on though, because one reason divorce rates have been falling is because many millenials never got married in the first place, when compared to earlier generations.
Interesting as anecdotally, here in Canada, I only have one friend or acquaintance who is still married as I approach 40. Feels like the divorce rate in this country is easily higher than 80% after Covid, high inflation, and the stress both put on relationships
I’m sure there is significant regional variation in the rates as well. Canada is well up in the rankings though.
it’s not for everyone and certainly shouldn’t be seen as the default or indoctrinated into people from a young age like it is right now. that being said, i’m very happily monogamous and couldn’t imagine it any other way.
Fair enough! Also because of you I learned that yiffit exists!
nice! feel free to join if you’re looking for furry content. but yes, i feel very strongly about equality for my polyam friends.
So I’m a queer woman and I swear ALL OF MY FRIENDS are some level of poly. Which, rock on! Good for them! But my GF and I are happily monogamous and can’t imagine a future where we open it up. I have no shade, I’ve read the poly books, watched the open relationships YouTube and listened to the theroy, I totally understand where they are coming from and why it works for people. The divorce rate is a good enough example as any for why it makes people happy. Monogamy is not something to enforced or expected of people, clearly it isn’t working for most folk.
But I also know any thing more than 1 partner just sounds STRESSFUL. Like, I always work myself up wondering if I am messing up ONE relationship, idk how y’all do it with multiple people to worry about. 😂
3 partners is easier than 2.
More partners means more eyes ensuring everyone’s needs are met and everyone is being held to reasonable standards of accountability.
Also more people to suggest good restaurants!
Well, I just recently got married in July. We’d been together for 5 years before that point, we survived COVID in a rather stress inducing state.
- My wife works in banking, with secrecy requirements. I work in AV, testing equipment that records everything it sees and hears. We couldn’t even be within earshot of each other. She was forced to work in her bed and I was forced to take up half the living room with 2 baker’s racks of AV equipment. Still went through those two years being able to look back fondly at being able to take a five minute break to scream into a pillow and get a hug after a particularly stressful problem, meeting, or office politics.
I completely understand where you’re coming from, but just like how you can’t imagine a partner you want to spend the rest of your life with. I cannot imagine someone ever replacing my wife, and I don’t even want to entertain the notion of losing her.
-
well what if it’s insert_celebrity_crush_here?
-- that’s not my wife, not interested -
well what if it’s your wife but she never says no to you?
-- that doesn’t sound like my wife at all, I’m not interested
We just mesh incredibly well. We both grew up in problematic households with a disdain for our parents. We both grew up poor. We both care more about financial security and safety than trying to get it all. I feel like we’re a team, at all times. Not having her beside me would be like playing football with only half the players.
I will say, this is gonna sound weird but stick with me. Don’t… don’t chase a monogamous relationship.
I think too many people get hooked on this idea that you must have a partner. You must marry before you hit 35. You must fuck before you hit 19. Just don’t think so hard about it. Geography, life events, mistakes, opportunities, are all at place with literally everyone at all times. COVID especially through a wrench in every life plan in America. I feel so bad for anyone who hadn’t gone through college yet. Just… find enjoyment where you can and balance that with building your future and if both those points can be met with the same activity. DO IT. Whether it’s a partner that you can’t live without and you wanna keep, or a group you can’t live without. You need both those points in life. Do whatever makes sense.
2 partners seems like too many and 0 too few
Fair enough have you tried 1.5?
The problem is not monogamy vs polygamy, the problem is to find the right person.
Also, it is not a matter of finding “the one”. It is a matter of finding someone you can love. And then you need to learn how to get through shitty moments and love again.
I don’t mean that you should stay in a toxic or dangerous relationship, but that it is easy to get angry and think that it’s over with someone, but in reality anger and love come and go. The thing is to understand why you love someone so you can love this person again and again.
Now maybe some people are not like that and its good for them. But please don’t tell me that I should love several people at once or that I should consider relationships like a consumable thing. I am unable to do those things.
I believe in monogamy, but not “soulmates” which seems to be what you’re talking about, here. If you conflate terms of course you’re going to wonder why so many people believe something… because they don’t, they believe in the other thing.
I guess I’ll bite.
I’ve been with my wife since high school and we married after 7 years. So all-in-all, in total we’ve been together 16 years and have one kid. After all of the time invested and my age now, having more than one partner sounds exhausting.
If I was able to do it over differently, I don’t think I would. I grew up catholic, so the idea of monogamy was part of my upbringing. But having had access to the early internet I was exposed to just about anything you could imagine. Having read and listened to many people talk about poly relationships in my younger years, while enticing to have more than one partner, it still sounded harder to deal with or navigate than one person.
Similar boat - wife and I dated in high school, broke up, ended up at the same college later on and now we’re married with two kids (going on 15 years together).
I married my best friend and I don’t need to worry about any weird landmines. No regrets.
My first several relationships were just trial and error of figuring out what works. I ended up meeting a widower and we both knew exactly what we wanted and expected in a partner and expressed it clearly to each other. We moved in together after just a few months and have enjoyed a beautiful life together.
“The One” is just a person that you can be happy with because you express your needs and they meet them, and they express their needs and you meet them. And you’re both willing to put in the work to get through the times when needs can’t be met.
My wife and I started dating when I was 16 and she was 15. We have been together 37 years, married for 30.
I don’t believe in the concept of “the one”. I think when a long term relationship like ours succeeds, it’s because there is something fundamental that both people have in common.
By fundamental, I’m talking about fairly obvious stuff like “wanting to put in the effort to be in a long term relationship”.
I was watching something on TV with my wife the other day and a character said something to the effect of, “marriage means you standing at the sink having a shave while your wife sits on the can clipping her toenails”.
I’ve always said that marriage is about making sure your spouse doesn’t drown in the toilet while vomiting.
Also, as many people have pointed out, the “50% of marriages end in divorce” statistic is bullshit.
My wife and I have been married 14 years. I don’t think she was “the one” and only woman in the entire world for me, but she is the one who was willing to work with me to build a relationship with each other.
Plus, it’s fun to watch her get into things. Shes always trying to learn how to do something. Last year, she tried to grow a garden. It was a sad little thing, and we got a couple of vegetables that we could eat. This year, we set up a bigger plot in the yard, and she used the stuff she learned last year, and she grew so much stuff that we’re basically fed for the next few months. We also got some chicks back in February, and we haven’t had to buy eggs since June.
