You know what I’m going to say something different and I hope it’s not too inappropriate.

The other commenters have done well so far. But have you considered using some of your money for therapy? I see you said you’re on antidepressants, but I wasn’t sure if you were already in therapy or not.

I don’t mean this as a cop out answer and I don’t mean that they will directly help you with your finances. But it might be a good idea to talk to someone about the “nothing matters because the world is going to shit” mentality. Even if there is merit to what you say, it isn’t exactly helping you feel happy or satisfied with your life. If you can learn to cope with this particular thought, you might find the rest falling into place a little easier.

I really hate to sound like a shill on the internet lol. It seems like you can’t ever talk about how you enjoy a product on the internet without someone claiming you are secretly working for them.

There are a lot of these types of bands on various stores on the internet really. You just have to search things like motivational wristbands.

This one is a bit different because it has words on the inside, but the outside has artwork instead of just being plain. Imo this particular brand is WAY overpriced for what it is. But I haven’t found a band sold by someone else that has this. All the other ones are one sided.

The brand for these is called Zox. I have several of them now. I try to pick combos of sayings and artwork I like. Tbh the artwork on this one is not the best imo. I am mostly into their flower design ones.

But if you find a cheaper company with both motivational sayings on the inside AND artwork on the reverse side, please don’t hesitate to let me know!

I had been doing a casual dive into Taoism and this is really one of the concepts it seems to emphasize. Dark cannot exist without light and vice versa. They are necessary for one another.

I’m pretty sure I would eat shit if I tried to learn any BMX stuff. Hope you enjoy it even though you mangled yourself lol.

Ahh damn that sucks. It makes it super easy for tennis shoes/sneakers.

I guess I don’t have delicate shoes. I just throw them in the washing machine.

Good to know I’m not just weird/alone with this lol.

Funny you should say that because my therapist suggested maybe I get tested for neurodivergence. That maybe something like that is why they have difficulty helping me.

Some questions for you:

1. What made you start thinking of that for yourself? What is it that you noticed within you?

2. How would being diagnosed as on the spectrum help your treatment? I’m not trying to be snarky, I’m legitimately asking in earnest. It’s not like there’s a pill for autism or anything after all!

See the thing is that I really don’t at all fit autistic traits.

I have absolutely zero sensory sensitivity (unless very very occasionally being overwhelmed with crowds counts…but not super often).

I am generally a dispassionate person without any real interests. Only thing is I can obsess over negative things, getting the right “formula” for social interactions at work, and right now I obsess over mental health things lol. I have been incessantly chatting with multiple AI models for extended periods of time each day for the past idk how many months now lol. But I don’t know that I did that prior. Most of my obsessions are social anxiety related, not autism special interests.

I am very good at eye contact when I am comfortable. I only have difficulties when I am upset or very socially anxious, which is how neurotypicals are too. I used to have a hard time as a child when my social anxiety was much more severe.

I am very very good at reading body language, facial expressions, etc. It is second nature to me and does not require any extra mental effort or focus. I am not at all drained by it and am instead energized by most social interactions (unless I am in places where my social anxiety is turned on)! As a pre teen and teen, I actually did struggle a LOT with learning and understanding nonverbal social cues. But I think that was being a slow learner combined with severe social anxiety. I don’t at all see it as masking because it’s unconscious now and not draining.

I don’t stim. Many people fidget when bored or focused and I do stuff like that too, but not as a self soothing thing like that. For example I fidget at work but not elsewhere. I don’t have to consciously “surpress” it. I just flat out don’t need to do it anywhere else.

Sorry for being so long winded lol. I guess that’s just how I post on Lemmy.

Not really. Idk what I would really have to journal about. My life is pretty mundane. My therapist had me filling out an emotion log for a while but tbh I stopped doing it. I could only log stuff certain times a day so I ended up reflecting more than noticing in the moment. Now when I feel something negative, I don’t wait until the end of the day to reflect and log, but I try to do it when I notice it come up.

I mega failed a couple of weeks ago. Had an incredibly sustained stressful week where all of my skills failed to soothe me. I tried to use them repeatedly and repeatedly and tried riding the waves again and again. It culminated in a very heightened, distressed state in the end where I could not ride the last wave. I forgot all of my skills and didn’t use TIPP and could not calm down without saying some things that scared a lot of people. I haven’t been that bad in many months, but I also hadn’t had that many sustained stressors/triggers in a long while either.

Every time I make a couple of steps forward, intake 17 steps back.

Ah yeah no I don’t have anyone to be a trip sitter or anything.

Thing is I tried an SSRI. I honestly had really wished for the “emotional blunting” side effect that people complain about. My issue has always been intense emotions. I was hoping for something to turn down the volume dial but it didn’t lol!!!

Well, like I said…I chose DBT specifically because it is supposed to be the gold standard for emotional dysregulation lol. I learned last year that it’s my core issue! But I guess it’s trauma/chronic invalidation based (granted that’s how you have the issue in the first place). CBT I find kind of hard to apply and invalidating…it’s like my whole life I have always felt that my thoughts and feelings are wrong. It’s always been hard because I am never able to trust myself. The cognitive distortions don’t really help me much.

DBT seems a lot more gentle in questioning your thoughts instead of just giving you a long list of how you’re wrong. Like in one chapter, my book states to compare your level of anxiety to what is actually happening. Are you in real danger? If yes, act. If no, that’s ok that you’re anxious. Let yourself feel anxious in the moment, but try to use calming techniques to help. I find it harder to apply for anger and guilt, but it’s a start.

Thank you. I guess I hate that it’s almost like I’m back in school but the reward isn’t really improvements or getting a good grade lmao!!

I think I need to try to celebrate little wins more. I have celebrated these before, but it feels like my wins are so few and far between anyway lol.

It’s funny that more than one comment has mentioned this now lol. I can’t say I’m overly interested in figuring out how to obtain that (considering I’m not keen on figuring out illegal means) or doing that on my own. I feel like I’m more likely than some to have a bad trip. I don’t have anyone to be a trip sitter. I don’t know that something like that would really be permanently life changing for me.

Funny you should mention EMDR. I have heard of it, but to be honest it had always sounded a bit like quackery to me lol. The DBT book I have actually referenced EMDR as one of the exercises! They mentioned that it is unknown whether or not the eye movements themselves actually help with the trauma, but rather just that the therapy and exercises as a whole is what seems to help people.

It’s really hard for me to figure out wtf kind of therapy will work best. There are many more modalities that I had heard of when I started this journey lol. EMDR, IFS, etc. Most recently I have heard of MBT. I should investigate more into all of these. MBT sounds interesting to me, as it seems to be a newer treatment for emotional dysregulation. Of course this means that most therapists are not going to be familiar with it enough to use it.

DBT is what I’ve been trying to use so far, but it’s been exhausting trying so hard every day for months and months only for the pain to not begin to be touched. I started this journey to try to help with my intense and distressing negative emotions. And I eventually found that DBT was supposed to be the “best” treatment for emotional dysregulation.

Yeah I have heard of both emotional flooding and an overactive amygdala, but not necessarily amygdala hijacking. From the things I ever read, I’m guessing that my amygdala is for some reason wayyyy hypersensitive compared to most people. I was sensitive even as a child. It’s frustrating because even though these techniques might help to calm with a behavioral response, it doesn’t seem to help with the emotional side.

I wish there was a therapy techniques or medication that could help my amygdala chill the fuck out lmao.

Yeah, you know what? I somehow managed to do consistent cardio for 1.5 years. Consistent as in every other or every third day, building up my cardio slowly from 20 minutes all the way to 1.5 hours. Literally never helped my mental health.

An interesting thing I noticed is that it would magnify my current emotion. If I was angry, it would make me angrier. If I was sad, it would make me sadder. If I was neutral, it would either do nothing or occasionally make me slightly more happy. If I was already happy, it would make me elated.

Of course, if you’re struggling with mental health to begin with, you can see how it would be counterproductive to me. Struggling with mental health means that I generally wasn’t often in the happy camp to begin with.

I never really got the benefits people claimed. People always said I was doing it wrong. You’re just not running fast enough. You’re just not running far enough. So I did. I tried harder and harder. I was eventually consistently running 7-8 miles consistently, and having met 10 miles a couple of times as my farthest distance. I was consistent.

I stopped late last year. I want to get back into it soon because it’s great for your heart, not because it ever helped my mental health.

It just doesn’t work for me, I guess. I am very glad that it does work for some people. Everyone out there should give it a go…if not for your mental health but your physical health.

But everyone seems to claim it as a one size fits all. It isn’t.

Idk why people on the internet like to accuse me of not doing what my providers are telling me lol. They are the ones dictating my meds, not me!

Lexapro I was on for several months before being discontinued. Lamictal I have been on since around August. My current dose of Lamictal I have been on since November. Like you, I notice literally zero effect, neither positive nor negative lol (besides itchiness when first titrating). She had me on a low dose of Luvox for only one month. It was sub therapeutic and I was actually optimistic for her to increase it.

But instead I guess because of an event I told her, she immediately discontinued that and switched to Seroquel. I kind of regret telling her, but people always tell me I have to be honest with my providers. I was disheartened, but I did agree to try it. I always agree to try these things.

My med list is longer, but I never bothered to list my PRN meds. I have never found them overly helpful because I can’t always predict triggers and they take too long to kick in if I’m actively freaking out. Have tried hydroxyzine, propranolol, and now clonidine as needed. So far it seems like clonidine has been occasionally mildly useful, but otherwise that’s about it. I don’t have issues with sleep or nightmares, so they aren’t given to me for that purpose.

I am trying to be patient, but it’s hard because I feel like I have made zero progress despite being on this journey for so long.

People also always tell me to get a different provider. I do that too concurrently without dumping my current providers just to see if anyone else could possibly be more helpful. But I always maintain my old providers because they know me and my history and I also am trying to not just seem like I always start and stop and that I am never trying to get anywhere.

My psychiatric NP actually literally told me the other day that she feels bad that she and my therapist are struggling to help me. It’s not that I am being difficult.

Anyway, sorry for the wall. I’m just endlessly frustrated but endlessly trying!

That’s for sure. Sometimes I remember and sometimes I don’t lol. I am wondering how long tho because this is painful af.

Yeah my therapist emphasized stop as well. There are like a zillion DBT skills so maybe instead of being overwhelmed by the volume of them, I should pick out a few key ones and latch onto them ig.

I mean that’s not a particularly helpful statement. I just feel lost and don’t know how to find a therapist that can actually help me. I’ve spent so much time and money and effort on this stuff. :(

Wow!! It’s really good to hear a success story! What things have helped you the most? Have any medications helped you at all? I know borderline is refractory to meds, but a lot of times I really just wish I had something that could even help tone things down slightly to be more productive with the therapy techniques.

What do you mean by that? I live alone. Most of my friends are online. There is one irl person who has help me a lot two of the times that I was in a huge crisis, but we aren’t close people who hang out. She has been amazing to me but I can’t always be calling her in the middle of the night lol.