As title states.
But also, can I get some advice from the community? After a long while, I finally lifted the veil over my eyes and came to terms with the fact that I am totally and unapologetically homosexual. But I’ve been married for a long time so we’re trying to make it work and just extend ourselves to polyamory. I’ve booted up a dating profile, but should I include that I am a baby gay? Do I include my open relationship? Or are those things to talk about in person? Any advice?
I have used dating apps and there’s a fundamental problem with them. They have all been monetized past the point of usability.
Say somebody matches you; you get a notification that you received a like, but can’t view who did so unless you shell out $20-40 for a week. So the notification just pulls you back to the app for no benefit.
So your only real option for use is to just like as many people as possible in the hopes that one of them has liked you already, so you can send a message. But don’t think “Well I’ll just like the people I like and it will work out”
See most of these apps will use your “looking for” info to make a list of “people we think you’ll like”. Some of them are real accounts. Many are payed to play along and then ghost you. All of them are locked behind additional payments for messages or even matching in the first place.
Unless you are willing to pay the premium tier for access to what we’re basic features on a free a decade ago, it’s just not worth your time.
Another issue with not paying is that the algorithm will eventually push you further down the list and barely show you to anyone after the first week or two, leading you to believe that no one is interested in you, when in reality it’s just that you’re not being shown to anyone.
Not good for your self-esteem, really.
I met my Wife on tinder 7 years ago and we have been married for 4 now. From what I’m told, that was the golden age of dating apps, and they have gotten awful. It’s all bots, and people trying to sell only fans subscriptions. It’s a bummer because the concept was good, but once people figure out how to exploit the app for money, it’s over.
Within the last 3-5 years they took a massive nosedive off the cliff and right into the “completely plunder our users” pool. They remove useful features that made it easier to find a partner you’re interested in and they all copied tinders “success” by removing what set them apart in favor of all being identical “swipe only” apps.
Some sites even delved further into the depths of their sales teams depravity and added streaming functions so now you have sites like POF where there’s an entire ecosystem of people that are only there to stream and make money off of desperate guys…
It became a disgusting money gab and unfortunately for me as I don’t have local options to meet people, I’ve backed out. I’d say if you’re not a super desirable person then save yourself the headache/heartache and just avoid them.
Well that fucking sucks to hear, my plan was to get back into dating next year after a good 5 year hiatus.
Hello.
I met my wife on a dating app about 7 years ago. We’ve been married for about 4 years.
What you put on your profile depends, in large part, on what you want to get out of it. I was looking for a long term, committed partner, that could one day lead to marriage. So I wanted to be as honest and open as possible about who I was and what I was looking for.
I think, at the very least, it would be respectful to state that you are married so that you are not leading anyone on. Just remember they are real people on the other end of the app. Be mindful of their feelings, and perhaps consider what you would want to know if you were someone else reading your profile.
The only experience I’ve ever had that rivals the intense soulsucking of dating apps was applying for work as a fresh highschool graduate during a recession.
Just for context: I’m actually decently eligible by the traditional metrics… nice job, nice place, nice face. Shit still sucks even with tailwinds at your back. I admire anyone with the fortitude to stick to these apps because they tore my ass down and then some!
My takeaway was simple: life’s too short to waste waiting for someone else to complete you. I uninstalled those apps and have been happily single ever since ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
Some advice that is related to polyamory, but not dating apps.
Do your polyamory homework before creating a dating app profile. There are a lot of emotional pitfalls that people in the same situation have fallen into. I thought I was ready when I went down that path. Looking back on it now, I really should have taken more time to untangle my life before.
I’ve used a few.
The only one that ever led to meeting someone in person was Grindr, though, and it’s pretty much just hookups nothing more (which sucks beyond the short amount of fun). Most people who match with me on more traditional apps like Tinder or even POF never respond when I message them, or immediately unmatch/block me.
I recently made a Fetlife account and actually looking forward to some meetups where I’m soon to be moving to. A friend recommended this to me as she’s having far better luck meeting people this way and can explore some new things. The negative part is the messages from men who don’t take the time to read profiles, but messages can be ignored and people can be blocked. It’s the meetups that seem to be beneficial for some people.
I use a dating app whenever I want to remind myself that I’m a fat, ugly, worthless human being that will probably never touch a woman again. Works quite well.
I met my wife on a dating site, though I had an assist from a mutual friend.
My biggest takeaways were:
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Don’t expect instant and constant results. You can go weeks in between meaningful matches, and at some point you will actually tap out the “market” and there will be no one new for you to see in the app.
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Be selective, but not demanding. Someone having a less-than-stellar profile may just mean they are bad at writing about themselves, not that they are a boring or unpleasant person.
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Definitely be open about being married. They don’t need your life story up front, but you save a lot of time on doomed conversations if they start off knowing that. I’m not sure about any homosexual apps, but back when I used it PoF and OKC had options to specify things like that in your profile so people could filter by your relationship status.
PoF = Plenty of Fish. Its what worked for me.
Not sure what PoF is like these days but last I heard (a few years ago to be fair) they would ban you if you said you were polyamorous and point you towards Ashley Madison, since they were a little bit too religious to even be nice about it.
While not specifically a dating app, I did meet my now wife on a hike organized through meetup.com. I think a lot of people use it to find partners and the great part is that anyone you meet has at least one thing in common with you.
Met my wife through a dating app. I was just honest about who I was, what my own shortcomings were, and the kind of person that interests me. Was indifferent to short-term or long-term preferences. Only got a a very small number of hits, but they were much more on the mark as far as I was concerned than if I just went to a bar and tried to meet people. I didn’t try to push myself or anyone I met into anything heavier than food or a flick, and just let the friendship grow into whatever she was comfortable with. When I was bored, I’d ask her if she wanted to meet up for lunch or something. That was it.
I think it helped that, while lonely, I was perfectly fine being without a partner at that time. I felt happy with my life, and I didn’t want to give anything up to make someone else happy. You gotta love yourself first before loving anyone else, otherwise it just isn’t fair to anybody.
I mostly found that dating apps made me want to eat a bullet. (I’m fine now… not being on dating apps)
Not sure if anyone’s interested in a very specific gay Eastern European take but…
I think dating apps have fucked the LGBT community in my country.
In a way, politically and socially, these apps have benefited conservatives and homophobes because they keep gay life away from public visibility.
Of course on the other hand the apps do enable gay people who live in smaller communities to be able to meet other gay people at all.
In intimate terms, and this is the impression I also get from talking to western gay people, the apps have affected how people relate to each other. Getting sex is very easy, but getting anything else is hard.
I can count on the fingers of one hand how many gay men wanted to go out on a date from Grindr. As soon you say you don’t just want to hook up they’re not interested.
And apps have also made people very selective not just in terms of what kind of person they want but also what kind of sex. It can get really dehumanising when someone not only asks for a dick pic but also wants to see it in various states and angles before they even decide to come over. And then the “negotiations” on what will each person do to the other… it’s almost like ordering take out.
Apps have also caused physical gay meeting places like bars and club to become more boring. People come, get a drink and take out their phones.
All in all, there’s a lack of spontaneity and flirtatiousness.
For men of my generation who only know apps (I am 34) there’s also a marked deficiency in “game.” Which is to say most gay men have none. They don’t know how to flirt or be seductive or fun. They just know “I want you to fuck me like this and cum on this part of my body.”
I do see a different trend with younger gay people though. Many are either avoiding the apps or deciding not to use them for hooking up but for dating. I think this is a positive development. I don’t date very young men (youngest for me is around 25) but it seems there a lot of gay guys under 30 who do want more than just endless Grindr hookups.
Met my wife on eHarmony about 15 years ago. Been happily married for 11 now.
